I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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