I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
