Hey man sorry I got all grabby
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
