Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
