can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
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