i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
