I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
