I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
