two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
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You. Win. At. Life.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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