3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
