i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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