are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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