It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
