and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You may now shotgun with the bride
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
