i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
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