I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
