I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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