I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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