My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
