Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize