We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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