he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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