I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
