Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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