omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
