I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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