I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
