It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize