Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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