Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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