he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
