Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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