He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
not ubering you a puppy
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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