the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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