oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
