roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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