I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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