If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
