My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
