Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
