dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
