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I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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