so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
