i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
