Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
