if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
