You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
