stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
