11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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