Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
