$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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