it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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