your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize