He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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