My Higher Power is John Stamos
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
