No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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