I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
3pm strippers are depressing
That accounts for only three of the penises
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
